How to Do Social Distancing Like a Pro

I'm a pro at social distancing with 29 years of experience so here are my tips:

Put your phone on mute. If anyone really wants to get in touch they will send a messenger pigeon or an owl like Harry Potter
There are people all around sending unsolicited prayers and positive vibes. Shield yourself with a thick blanket or razai
If you get the urge to socialize, remember that all your paranoid thoughts are real and your 'friends' really do call you a loser behind your back
To keep yourself occupied, take up a hobby like painting or try to learn your favourite instrument. Give up in 3 days because it's too hard and go back to binging Friends on Netflix
Parties are Satan's way of getting you to have fun. Avoid at all costs
Work up a healthy dose of anxiety by spending at least an hour a day thinking about how you're doing nothing for self-improvement like reading books or working out. Get rid of the anxiety by blazing one and wasting the whole day
Always play some music in the background so that silence doesn't force you to listen to your conscience
Get a whole bunch of cats to fill the void of people in your life
Video games are way better than movies and series for unproductively chiselling away at the limited hours of your short life
Open and stare inside the fridge once every hour for no reason. For some reason which scientists are still trying to determine, it helps.

Thanks for reading and stay safe. #corona #socialdistancing